Clare Hot Dog Power Rankings

3 min readApr 20, 2024


It has been a while so I figured I’d come up with another blog that nobody asked for. This time, we will be discussing which of Clare’s creations should be labeled a crime against humanity, and which of them would make me glizz in my pants.

The Corn Dog

You know those videos that show people in prison making food out of ramen, hot cheetos and luke warm water? That is how I imagine this hot dog was conceived. Something about adding corn and what looks like sausage gravy to a hot dog is just a whole new level of insanity.

Crypt1c’s rating: D

The “Bad Breath”

Pickled onions and mustard are 2 of my favorite ingredients on a hot dog, although I personally prefer something a little more adventurous than plain yellow mustard. My only concern here is that it looks like the entire thing was heated up in a microwave.

Cryptic’s rating: A

The Chili Dog

Clare did Coney Island dirty with this one. I’m sure the taste was probably fine, but the presentation just isn’t there and it looks like even sonic the hedgehog would have a hard time choking this one down.

Crypt1c’s rating: C+

What the fuck

Shredded carrots, raw onion, and mayonnaise? I’ve never really considered carrots on a hot dog, and mayonnaise just has me scratching my head wondering how he came up with this. Scientists will be studying this one for decades to come.

Crypt1c’s rating: F

The American Taco

You were so close to creating something actually good. This could have just been a taco… you were halfway there already.

Crypt1c’s rating: B

The Bold and Gold

This one at least looks interesting. It looks like he used some sharp white cheddar (one of my personal faves), along with some BBQ sauce and either thick cut bacon or maybe spiral ham? It’s hard to tell but this one has some potential at least. Not sure why the bun is so big but you could swaddle a newborn in that thing.

Crypt1c’s rating: B+

The “Just Rolled out of Bed”

Ketchup, Hot Sauce, and maybe butter? Clare put more effort into the last season of LD2L than he did this hot dog. I expect more from a man with those fancy countertops.

Crypt1c’s rating: C-

Thanks for listening. Also, fuck Space Cowboy